Friday, January 28, 2005

durrrrrrrrrr the second

A is for age: 25
B is for booze: Yes please. Bourbon if you have it.
C is for carreer: World Dominator
D is for Dad's name: Ronald; Ronnie P.
E is for essential items to bring to party: Camels and a condescending attitude.
F is for favorite song at the moment: Big Youth-Waterhouse Rock.
G is for girlfriend: Non-Scarlett GF
H is for Hometown: Le Bayou
I is for instruments I play: Saxophone, I suppose, but it's more making unpleasant noises while remembering how much I hated Ms. Buchanan than "playing."
J is for jam or jelly: I prefer syrup. Wait, what?
K is for Kids: None that I know of.
L is for living arrangements: All by my lonesome.
M is for mom's name: Betty. Not Elizabeth. Betty.
N is for name of friend: ShovelJackie the FuriousNon-ScarlettBitterBlatzyHok Squirrel.
O is for overnight hospital stays: One.
P is for Phobias: Mayonnaise. I hate and fear mayonnaise.
Q is for quotes you like: "Mistah Kurtz, he dead."
R is for longest Relationship: 4+years and counting.
S is for sexual position: I ain't picky, I likes `em all.
T is for time you wake up: Way too fucking early.
U is for unique traits and features: I'm equal parts coon ass and white trash. And this time yesterday I was running a fever of 102 degrees.
V is for vegetable you love: Not such a fan of the veg. I'll eat them, I just don't enjoy them all that much.
W is for worst trait/feature: My crippling fear of mayonnaise.
X is for x-rays you've had: At least ten, the coolest of which depicts my kneecap being quite far from where it should have been. Not cool at the time, but cool in retrospect.
Y is for yummy food I can make: I make a mean roast chicken.
Z is for zodiac sign: Gemini. Two Chulii for the price of one.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005


Right now I'm appartment-sitting for my boss. Lemme tell ya, folks, this place is swank. My appartment is nice. I like it. It has "charm." But this has a balcony. Right now it's too cold to enjoy the balcony, but it's there nonetheless. It has a rad kitchen, two bedrooms, two bathrooms, and of course all the accoutrements of a couple who spent over thirty years in the foreign service. It's so nice that it would take six years of me saving every penny of my net income to afford the down payment.

Of course, I'm not here for the appartment's sake. I'm here for the sake of a sixteen year-old miniature poodle. She must be walked, she must be fed, she must be medicated. I'm sure it cuts quite the funny picture in Northwest DC to see Chulius, that strapping bit of manflesh, walking an elderly miniature poodle around. Quite funny indeed.

Did I mention it's cold? Because it is. Very cold. Dick-freezing-to-my-thigh cold. I am not built for cold weather. I'm designed for peak performance in a climate just shy of tropical.

Today, on the way home from work, I got a little taste of what the next few days are going to be like. It took approximately thirty-five minutes for the bus I was riding to go one city block. All because some jackass said he had a bomb somewhere or something. This wasn't even a fun thing to scare the squares, like learning where little baby subway trains come from or the tractor man. This was just lame. (The inauguration is in a couple of days, in case anyone doesn't know. One hundred square blocks of downtown DC are being closed off. Snipers, plainclothes policemen, identity checks and metal detectors: basically all the cliches associated with living in a free society.)

The dog just vomited.

Another item of note: Jaden finally posted some actual porno in the porno section of her site. Umbrellas and buildings and old Japanese women are nice, I suppose, but when a young man sees something labeled "porno" certain expectations are sure to follow. Unfortunately said porno isn't some first person "Night in the Life of Jaden" material, but one day perhaps. Maybe one day soon...

And finally, a plea: There are people in this world who are in dire need of our assistance. People who struggle valiantly against the shackles of quote-un-quote normal society.

The people I'm talking about are the young ladies of roller derby.

These women are working under horrifying work conditions and suffering grave bodily harm. Sometimes not even that is enough. This wee lass has been reduced to candystriping to make ends meet. The horror.

There's so much you can do to help. Volunteer to be a referree. Join a league so you can learn firsthand their trials and tribulations. Just showing up at one of their meets shows them that you know they're there and that you respect and love them as the beautiful children of God that they are.

Please, look deep in your heart and give`til it hurts.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Without further ado...

That's right, me droogies, Our Imperial Majesty has returned. Fresh from holiday feasting and rocking out with the homeez. The Fourth Annual PBall, the "Gods and Goddesseses" bacchanal, while not necessarily a resounding success, was still quite a good time.


You say you want proof?

Well then, proof you shall have.

(Keeping in mind that the streets will run with the blood of the unbelievers.)

Odin (aka Shovelhead)

Mme Marie Laveau (the ignorant should look her up)(aka Non-Scarlett GF)

Dionysus (bartender of the gods)(aka St. Adam)

Ganymede (aka BigZach Attackh) suckling at the teat of Ares (aka Dark Wombat) as Odin looks on with lust in his eyes... errr... eye

Loki (aka Jackie the Mick)

Jehovah (aka Hokmayen)

Your humble narrator Chulius Caesar Imperator as Pan

And finally, the piece de resistance, the crowning glory, she who took the "rock out with your cock out" title that night, Furious Jessy as Hel:

It looks like she went Hannibal Lector on a clown.

And that is fucking awesome.


The above picture is not an accurate representation of how FJ's night started. This is how she started the evening:

Pretty foxy, no? That was before she started saying things like "Where the slutzes cuz I wanna gidinna FIGHT!!!"

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