Thursday, November 04, 2004

What Does It Look Like When Two Subway Trains Collide?

This is what it looks like.

Those few nonexistent readers of mine in the DC area know all about this, but the three other people who read this don't. So here we go.

There I was, covered in motoroil...

Oops, wrong story.

There I was, riding the train, minding my own business, checking out the AU student wearing the fuck-me boots. All of the sudden: CRASH, BANG, CRUNCH. Pandemonium. Tourists running everywhere, sure that our nefariously dark-skinned foes, the Freedom Haters, had delivered more of their freedom-hating wrath just to ruin their trip from Buttfuck, Nebraska, to the seat of all that is French. I mean Free.

What did Chulius do? Did he panic, screaming like a four-year-old with a skinned knee? Hell naw. I ripped open my Brooks Brothers knock-off shirt, tore away the pack of Camel non-filters I keep taped to my chest at all times, and fired not one but two of them sumbitches up. In situations like these, the oldest wisdom is still the best:

Smoke `em if you got `em.

Actually, I was at work. But I've been telling people that story all day.

Getting home was fun, though. Waited for the L2 bus that never came. A bus that said "Out of Service" eventually stopped, and I got the distinct impression that the bus driver just decided that she was one of the shuttles going from Farragut North to Van Ness, and therefore would pick some people up and tell others that she wasn't picking up in a completely random fashion. I'm certainly not complaining since I got where I was going. Still, it all seemed rather haphazard.

All of yesterday's and this morning's mass transit related events have led me to one conclusion: If some sort of disaster, natural or otherwise, were to befall the Metro, we are all well-fucked. Hope you told your wife and kids you loved them this morning `cause Daddy ain't making it home. There should be a big arch over every Metro station entrance that says "Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here" just so everyone fully appreciates what they're getting themselves into.

Probability-wise, it's unlikely that an accident resulting in death or dismemberment will occur in the Metro. But if it does, at least it'll make for an awesome story involving fuck-me boots and Camel non-filters.