Thursday, October 07, 2004

A couple of things:

Topic A:

That 70's Show has completely, irrevocably jumped the shark. They could've called it quits: Donna and Eric get married and move away; Hyde shanks Jackie in a drunken rage inspired by the Manson Family and gets 20 to life; Kelso is the first documented case of HIV/AIDS in the continental United States; Fez joins the Jonestown cult and is first in the refreshments line. Done and done. Everything wrapped up in a nice little bow.

But no.

They got greedy.

Eric ditches Donna on the wedding day, but she forgives him and they're patching things back together. Donna's mom, Boobsie or Midge or whatever, returns to the show and gets back together with Bob. Hyde finds his really real father and he's black! Kelso fathers a child with Shannon Elizabeth. The arrivals of new characters and/or the arrival of a baby are the most clear-cut symptoms of shark-jumpdom. Damn you Rupert Murdoch. Damn you all to hell.

(That last bit was done in Chuck Heston's Planet of the Apes voice.)

That being said, Laura Prepon is fucking hot with the blonde hair. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer maybe, certainly an atrocious interior decorator, but damn. Eight ways to Sunday, that's all I'm sayin'.

Topic B:

A few of you may remember way back on the chu_rock xanga blog that I expressed puzzlement regarding the issue of online personal ads. The fact that apparently attractive women felt it necessary to take out ads on the internet made me ask questions. What's wrong with the conventional drunken hookup? Is she alone because she's crazy? These, along with a whole slew of chauvinistic thoughts rifled through my brain. Despite the periodic curiousity, I never explored the issue much further.

However, I'm reasonably certain I can spot one that is doomed to be totally unsuccessful. Case in point:

This guy

"Stresspuppy," as he apparently wants to be called. He's today's featured personal on DCist. A "man" looking for a "woman." For "Friendship, Dating, Serious Relationship." Age 31. So far, not too bad. The "Serious Relationship" I think is a little strong for a personal ad of any sort, but not an error that would necessarily cost him the game.

Of course, pretty much everything goes downhill from there. Places he'd rather be? Vegas or Hawaii. This very well could be the elitist in me, but Christ, man, a little imagination couldn't hurt. "I like strippers and drinks with umbrellas!" probably isn't the message most ladies want to read about in potential hookups. He mentions shoulder rubs and back massages in the "why you should get to know me" section. Yes, those are popular things. In my experience though, that's the kind of thing you want to spring on someone in order to awe them with your mad manual technique. Saying "I'm gonna rub yo stank-ass feet" upfront proclaims your sensitivity to the heavens, which is the very reason why it doesn't (and shouldn't) work.

The kicker, the reason I said to myself "Oh no, this can't possibly really be what this guy said in his profile" and made me look in the first place, is this:

Location: "In my bedroom, you'll find" section

He said: "A blanket my mother just made..."

A calamity of this proportion probably hasn't been seen since the firebombing of Dresden in 1945.

When a man is looking for a woman for friendship, dating, or a serious relationship, outside observers should assume that said man wants to see said woman with her clothes off. This is a fact that has been empirically proven many times over the centuries.

I assure you, Stresspuppy, this will
if you persist in mentioning your mother and your bedroom in even remotely close proximity to one another.

I have a feeling that whatever code the gothamist empire uses to pull its daily personal for its sites is programmed so that once every ten days it will find the single most embarrassing-slash-horrifying thing available and put it front and center for the whole world to see.

Stresspuppy, you poor, dumb bastard.

I welcome my readers' thoughts on this particular subject. I especially welcome the comments of the two or three ladies who are frequent readers floating about out there in the aether, since my outlook on this topic is by nature quite phallocentric. (However, I must ask the ladies to remember that given their gender, their opinions are worth exactly 1/4 those of real people.)