Wednesday, December 01, 2004

`Tis the Season to Shop Walmart

That's right kids, it's the second annual Gifts that Chulius Caesar would give were he richer and/or omnipotent-er than he currently is Christmas list. Friends, family, and people whose blogs have pleased me shall all reap the spoils of my largesse. So, without further ado:

Non-Scarlett GF: A fully refurbished Diocletian's Palace (i.e., less "churchy" than it currently is) for use as her personal summer retreat.

Maw Caesar: The original cast of Les Miserables at her beck and call.

Paw Caesar: The ability to tune out the original cast of Les Miserables completely.

Sistah Caesar: It involves a plane going down over Afghanistan, with one particular person being the only casualty. That's all I'll say.

Jackie the Mick: May his foist child be a masculine child...What? Already did that, you say? Okay. Hmm. How's this: Wes Anderson shoots all the nipper's significant life events, Lemmy Kilmister does the soundtrack.

Furious Mama: A monster truck and a license to kill. And another dragon. (I gave her a dragon last year.)

Roscoe the Furious Mick: A Flying V forged in the fires of Mount Doom with which he may slay his pre-k enemies.

Its name?

Son of HammerSlammer.

Saint Adam: St. Adam will be designated successor to Kim Jong Il of North Korea, thereby fulfilling his dream of becoming a Communist dictator.

Hokmayen: For one whole year, Hok is possessed (moreso than he already is) by the spirit of Keith Moon. Many a car shall be driven into many a Holiday Inn lobby.

Blatz: A mohawk of such magnificence it can be seen from SPACE.

Bitter Neko: The body of Elliott Smith, preserved Lenin-style. She'll be the envy of all her emo friends.

Cyborg Squirrel: He gets to manage the Meatmen's worldwide reunion tour.

Cyborg Squirrel's SSO: The Victoria's Secrets modelship she's always craved.

Manny: A record collection that does not include any Steely Dan albums. For fuck's sake, man. Steely Dan?

Big Zach Attach(k): No matter what happens, nothing Wayne Damage can ever do will result in Zach going to prison.

Dark Wombat: If memory serves, I gave Dark Wombat a Tokyo appartment filled to the brim with Japanese schoolgirls last year. I really can't think of a present to top that, so I guess I'll just replace what/whomever he might have broken in the past year.

Shovelhead: His interpretive dance performance earns him NEA funding and a Tony.

Briantology: Sole ownership of the Glenfiddich distillery.

Jaden: A lifetime supply of Prince-flavored blowpops.

WIHDC: Ummm....He gets to move out of Virginia?

Brian Wanamaker: He gets his wish. "Too bad he has to DIE," says Oderus Urungus.

DCeiver: Local sports commentator George Michael (heh) conducts an interview with Mark Brunell completely in Aramaic. At the end of the interview, Brunell is flayed and crucified.

Zzzzzoe: All the yoga-friendly bondage gear her heart desires.

Knats: A cape that will flutter magnificently as he rides his horse across the Texas plains. I haven't the faintest idea what Knats would want. I guess he can share the Glenfiddich distillery with Briantologist.

That took entirely too long. If I left you out, let me know. I probably did it on purpose, but the memory isn't what it used to be, so you never know.

And if you don't like your present I have two things to say to you.